My new hobby: creating increasingly elaborate metaphors for virginity to scare girls into abstinence.
Go to Kinko’s and print up flyers advertising guitar lessons and put them on telephone poles. Get a call from a newly divorced dad who wants to learn new things now that he has more free time. Teach him the riff from All Along The Watchtower. Now make him forget it. You can’t. You can’t unteach Bill how to do the riff written by Bob Dylan but made famous by Jimi Hendrix. That’s what sex is.
Imagine you’re driving a Ford F-150, rated best in its class three years runnig by the National Highway institute. Now imagine you’re driving as fast as its V-8 350 horsepower engine can take you, and you ram into a tree. You’re saved by the Ford F-150′s award-winning safety features, but you’ve bent the Durasteel ™ fender. Of course, you can always replace the Durasteel ™ fender with your affordable extended warranty at any highly qualified Ford dealership, but it wouldn’t be the same Ford F-150. The Ford F-150 that you got at an unbeatable price will never be the same again. Your hymen is not Built Ford Tough ™.
Imagine you’re Truman at the Potsdam Conference. The war with Germany is over, but questions still linger about Japan. You meet Stalin for the first time. Roosevelt once wrote of him: “he has nothing human to grab a hold of.” You can see it in his dead eyes. The marriage of convenience between Stalin and the West is crumbling, and Potsdam is where you will sign the divorce papers. Stalin has those dead eyes set upon absorbing as much of the Nazi empire as he can into the Soviet fold. The Allies fear his ambitions will turn eastward, to exploit Japan’s weakness and stretch the bear’s arms into the Pacific. Churchill takes you aside in that grand palace, away from the throng of diplomats and spies. He doesn’t trust you like he trusted Roosevelt, but you’ve earned his respect all the same. He shares the concern of all the Allies: that the invasion of Japan is imminent, and the bloodiest battle of the bloodiest war is yet to begin. You confide in him one last secret: that the US has a new weapon unlike any the world has ever seen; a weapon that will end the war and freeze Stalin in his tracks, all without losing a single Allied life. The old bulldog is incredulous, if not intrigued, though he knows better than to ask too many questions of friends. You have set in motion half a century of Cold War. There’s no turning back now. That’s what sex is. When you have sex, you are planting the seed for a new era of atomic fear.
