Astielle by Kitty UnprettyALT

A half-feral hero, a monster king, a bastard prince, and an open world. Bound by destiny, they save or slay one another, an endless cycle of death and rebirth. When the Moonlight Monster rises, the Starlight Hero is Astielle’s only hope. Unfortunately, she’s a little busy with her rock collection.

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Astielle is a free webnovel about the Starlight Hero (Minnow), her nemesis the Moonlight Monster (King Karzarul), and his nemesis the Sunlight Heir (Prince Leonas). It is an endless reincarnation cycle enemies-to-lovers speedrun and slow burn about trying to avoid the main quest by doing every possible sidequest instead. It’s about trying to get your friend away from his shitty family and into your polycule instead. It is over 200k words, and almost 40k of them are a flashback to completely different characters thousands of years before the main story. A lot of readers tell me it is very funny, or that it made them cry. It was supposed to be PWP. It is a hot fucking mess in progress.

“You shouldn’t let her eat rocks,” Ari said.

“If she wants to eat a rock,” Leonas said, “there is nothing on this or any other plane of existence that I can do to stop her from eating the fucking rock.”

“I spit it back out,” Minnow said. She was regretting ever telling him about the rock. “Can we move on, please? I would like to move on.”

Astielle features:

Farming | Fishing | Cooking | Fast-travel | Monster-fucking | Murder | Extremely round pigs | Extremely small chickens | A mystery-solving teen | Traveling bards | Gratuitous face-fucking | The homeowner’s association | Magical dreams | Zombies | Nihilism as a coping mechanism for undiagnosed depression | Politics | Using a sword as an all-purpose adventuring tool | Tax evasion | At least one monster gangbang | Spider’s Gorge | Pirates | Unreliable narrators | Incorrect historical records | The looming specter of religious nationalism | Churros

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okay so like my edible kicked in, i got my glow in the dark nightmare before christmas underwear, i got my bisexual thigh highs, i’m ready to fucking GO, i mean BUSINESS

but i’ve got this fucking bigass tube body pillow so if we want to meet in the middle of the bed i’ve got to roll it up like a snail shell under my head which is awkward as fuck but whatever

so things are going well but various position adjustments have resulted in this pillow pointing UPWARD and being RIGHT above my head like a shitty helmet between me and the headboard and i’m like, whatever, this might as well happen

but in the course of events i end up reaching up above my head and grabbing this pillow, just a fist full of pillow, and then i reach up and grab it with my OTHER hand, white-knuckling this big fucking tube pillow

none of which i think anything of until i get up to go to the bathroom and realize IT WASN’T MY PILLOW

IT WAS A PLUSH TOY

IT WAS THE GIANT NOVELTY PLUSH DICK


IT'S A CHIBI DICK THE SIZE OF A TODDLER. JUST A DICK WITH LIL FUNKO POP EYES AND LEGS.ALT

I HAD THIS THING’S HEAD CLUTCHED DESPERATELY IN MY HANDS HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE WHILE FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES IT HUMPED MY HEAD

AND MY PARTNER COULD SEE THE WHOLE THING

AND THEY DIDN’T SAY

SHIT

Anonymous asked:

if there was a convention for all of your original works, which character do you think people would cosplay as the most?

i was going to say corinne but that’s not actually an original work so now i’m trying to figure out which character would be lowest effort. victoria garcia? you get a lot of options there. though probably not identifiable enough. minnow might be a good balance between effort and recognizable, but you could probably get a good variety of karzaruls.

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